


I'll be good

by smallrollofanger



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: -mentioned - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multiple Personalities, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, because i'll be seeing it after this is posted, but can ignore it, just so you know it's there, like you see it, only mentioned also
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 12:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18894517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallrollofanger/pseuds/smallrollofanger
Summary: He's not Bucky, but he's not Winter Soldier either. He's James. He has both of them somewhere inside, but he's balancing between them.He's scared that if he's not Steve's Bucky he has no one. And God knows he loves Steve so much, he will be Bucky if that means keeping Steve with him.Until he can't anymore.a.k.aJames has issues but doesn't want to talk about them because he's self conscious.





	I'll be good

James sat settled inside their small Brooklyn apartment looking out as the sun was setting over Brooklyn bridge. His eyes were searching for something familiar in that sunset but as anyday yet again he could find nothing. He clutched on soft and warm throw over blanket with avengers print that was wrapped around his legs and stomach. He looked towards the door. He caught himself calculating when door would open after he felt vibration from front door of their apartment building opening. As soon as he realized he was doing it James put hand on his head, his breathing getting faster and faster. James was panicking. He wasn't getting better, he was only lying to himself and to Steve, he acted as if he remembered as if he were Steve's Bucky, as if he didn't feel like throwing up everytime Steve called for Bucky and James remembered that Steve was calling him and not someone else. But Steve was happy when James turned around at nickname, so James did it over and over again. He wasn't HYDRA'S Winter Soldier, he's Steve's Bucky.

  
Just as he calculated dark door opened and tall blonde entered, few bags, linen ones, James insisted after Stark has told him how dangerous plastic is, of groceries. Steve smiled, he was happy, James came to conclusion, then he inspected to see why was his partner happy but he found nothing in particular so he just shrugged it off and slowly unwrapped his legs to go over and wrap Steve in his arms like he did any time Steve came back. He may not be Bucky, but he still loved Steve so damn much. If him being Bucky meant that he can keep Steve he doesn't mind doing his part in this act of happy domestic bliss. Steve swiftly put bags on their kitchen counter opening his arms for James to fall into, so he did. James wrapped his arms around Steve hiding his head in Steve's shoulder. When Steve's hands were wrapped around him James relaxed ever so slightly.

„Hey Buck, how was your day?“, Steve asked so sweet like he always was, so good, too good for James. Steve deserved Bucky, Bucky was amazing, good person, James was not. He was no HYDRA, but he was no good man. Stark still had to remind him that he can't kill anyone even if it was the easiest way, he still had at least 3 ways to kill off any of the Avengers figured out before anyone could react. He was so broken.

But even if he were he still smiled, knowing only Steve didn't find it terrifying, only Steve, Steve loved when he smiled, then he looked like he was okay, like he was getting better: „I finished Game of Thrones.“ He didn't have to answer question directly, Steve would understand, Steve always understood no matter how little James said.

Steve massaged his head a little bit from the position they were in, resting his hand on back of James' neck. They just stood there, Steve holding James and James enjoying this moment that was only theirs, even if he was Bucky, they were still theirs. James clutched his hold around Steve letting out a hiccup that turned into a painful sob. Goddamn it James, can't you do anything right? Can't you just smile? For him, for Steve. What he didn't know was that he had tears running down his cheeks from the moment he caught himself calculating, yet Steve didn't point it out. Steve just held him against his chest kissing his temple. Steve whispered soft words in Gaelic, just making James focus on something but don't overwhelm him, and it was enough, James went limp in Steve's hold.

  
Steve let go off him with one hand hooking it under his knees and picking him up slowly, letting James sob in his shirt ruining it. Steve went to bathroom, looking over to shower but settling for a bathtub.He didn't let go of James, even if James was also full of muscles and heavy Steve still held him like he was so breakable, so small, just like Bucky held Steve before James came along and ruined everything. James could only hear Steve's breath and lungs working, soft heart beating along with the water filling in the tub. James held onto Steve for dear life, as if he would stop breathing when Steve moves away from him. It felt like that for James, like Steve is his lifeline. Water stopped and James felt Steve put him down and then his knee joints clack under his weight as he crouched so James could see him. James looked at him with teary eyes, stormy blue eyes still looking as beautiful as ever. Steve went to pull off his shirt, making sure James knew he was there, he was not going away and James is able to see him. Steve seen so many of those attacks he knew exactly what he should do so James wouldn't have a panic attack. After shirt jeans fell down easily as he could hold James' hand while he took jeans down with one hand.  
After he got undressed and ready Steve looked at James, slowly taking off his socks and putting them away, making sure he eases James into this and doesn't make him go into yet another panic attack. After his socks were off Steve slowly pulled his hands above his head and James stayed like that sobbing when he wasn't able to see or feel Steve close to him, but it was calmed as soon as the shirt came off and James let out sigh of relief. His pants went down as easy as Steve's along with his boxers. Steve tested the water once more before slowly putting James ahead of himself and laying behind him, supporting his body weight. James rested his head on Steve's shoulder, super soldier removing hair from his eyes. That's when he realized that his hair was too long to be Bucky's, Bucky didn't have much money but he kept his hair neat, short and practical. James liked his hair, it was soft and it was nice to wash it, he thought about talking to Steve. If Steve didn't mind the hair then it could stay, he knew Bucky good.

„Do you think Bucky would allow himself to have a long hair?“, question left his mouth before he managed to transfer it into 1st person. His eyes widened and his heart rate became faster and breathing rapid, he felt like he would pass out from breathing too fast, he opened his mouth to apologize, to beg for Steve's forgiveness, but before he could he felt Steve smile down at him.

„He would love it“, Steve said, as if he knew the whole secret, the whole fight James had everyday when he shaved and though about slitting his own throat or stabbing his own hand with a fork while eating. Thing was, Steve knew, he caught James talk in his sleep, asking Bucky to allow him to love Steve.

Steve came on terms that Bucky was gone for forever the moment he saw James waking up and looking around the medical field in Avengers Tower. Movements were too different to show there was any Bucky left in there. But it didn't matter, even if this was not Bucky, Steve came to love James. His James. Small jerky movements whenever someone approached, buzzing of his arm when he moved in his sleep, small things he did so he would be able to touch Steve unnoticed, talking about show he watched that week in voice too quiet to understand because he was scared he was bothering Steve.  
James let out a shaky breath and looked at Steve, tears in his eyes and wobbly lower lip, he breathed out: „I promise I—Stevie I promise I'll be good, i'm not Bucky, but I'm still-I still love you please don't make me leave, I'll be good, I'll be good I---.“ Steve stopped him laying kiss on his lips, stopping babbling and soft cries that smaller one of the two left.

„I know you will, you're always so good, you're doing so well James, so good for me, for everyone. Tony was so proud when you let him look at your arm the other day without shaking, and have you seen how much Clint smiled when you asked me to add him on your blanket with a sharpie because they forgot him? And how amazing was it when you ate whole meal, WHOLE, without feeling sick.“, Steve praised him in hushed voice, listening to James break. It was okay, Steve will let him break, shatter, after he's done he will piece him up again, piece by piece, as long as it's needed. As long as James needs him to.

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to those heart tearing songs and this is what came out of it. I haven't seen the Endgame left so this is last piece of my happiness.


End file.
